Tuesday, November 4, 2008
When he woke up, he was pleasantly surprised that Tracy was still there. He looked up at her lovingly as she hovered above his bed. She floated toward the closet and reached for one of his suit. It dropped to the floor. She turned to look at him and finally she spoke. "You have to go back to work". I shook my head. "You have to", she said. "Im not ready", I told her. "Please, for me". So for her, I took a shower, brushed my teeth, combed my hair and put on a grey suit. He didn't know if he could handle it, if he could face the world again with out her, but she had said, "I'll go with you". At first, he had been thrilled at the idea but once he was at work, he realized it wasnt such a good idea. He felt closed in sitting inside the small cubicle. The only thing distracting him, and keeping him from freaking out was talking to her. She was sitting on top of his desk, her white dress flowing as if some invisable wind were coming from some unforseen place. "People are looking at you strangely", she said. He frowned. He knew he had been talking but he didn't realize how loudly. He often forgot that he was the only one who could see and hear her. "Everyone's going to think your crazy", she said. "I dont care", I told her. "But I do, so please, use your keyboard". It took me a few seconds to realize what she was saying. She wanted me communicate by typing instead of talking, which made since, but little added up easily for me these days. So I began to type.
How do you expect me to concentrate, when all I can see and think about is you
"I could leave, if that would help."
"I'd be waiting for you when you got home."
I'd never make it thru the day without you
"But you haven't even tried."
All I do day in and day out is try, and Im tired
"I'm only tying to help".
You being here with me helps
She dropped the subject after that. I stared at the folder in front of me. Not really sure what I was suppose to be doing. Still I was here trying for her. We spent the rest of my work day in silence. I concentrated on my work...mostly. Occasionally glancing up at her, making sure she was still there. She sat still only her dress flowing in her imaginary wind, her eyes intense and focused, watching our surroundings. I silently wondered what she was looking for. Relieved when the work day was finally over, I drove home, my ghost riding shot gun.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
The moment he popped his first handful of pills, he felt a sudden tightening on his stomach. Squeezing him hard, over and over until the pills came back up. He fell to his knees, head down, palms down on the floor, trying to catch his breath. At first, he didn't understand what had happened until he thought about Tracy. She was never far from his mind. She had saved his life. He looked around the room frantically but saw nothing. He closed his eyes to free all his senses but the room tempeture felt normal. There were no unusual sounds in the room. He hadn't even realized he'd been holding his breathe until he exhaled loudly..startling hisself. He sulked off to the bathroom to get cleaning supplies to clean up the mess he had made on the floor. When he was finished he put everything back in its place and laid across the bed. He had closed his eyes and was drifting off to sleep when he felt a cool sensation against his neck. His eyes opened immediately. She was there, laying beside him. Her ghostly silhouette, so trasparent and beautiful. She watched him silently. Her hollow form tryed to stroke his face. He could feel something like the cool breeze of an ocean against his cheek. The Silhouette of her hand hovered above his head, her eyes intense as if she were concentrating. The instant she touched the hairs on his head he felt dizzy and lightheaded, almost high. He smiled and closed his eyes. He wanted to talk to her, tell her he was sorry, that he'd missed her. But his throat was dry and scratchy. Worried that he wouldn't be able to form the words, and possibly ruin the moment, he kept quiet. Then she began to hum, the most beautiful melodic tune he ever heard. He drifted off again and slept the most peaceful sleep he'd had in months.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Tired of waiting for her to return, tired of living without her. He contemplated suicide. Shooting himself was out. He was just too chicken. Besides where could he get a gun so quick on short notice. Hanging himself...no, that wouldn't work either. Slicing his wrist...anything thing too painful or slow was out. The only thing he could think of was an overdose of pills. He searched his medicine cabinet for whatever he could find. Advil, Tylenol...he needed something strong. Sleeping pills...pain pills...In the very back he found some anxiety meds Tracy had been taking. He pulled it all out and carried as many bottles as he could in his arms back to his room. In the end he had 8 bottles. Not sure how many would do the trick, he decided to take them all. He couldn't afford to make a mistake. Didn't want to find himself waking up in a hospital with his stomach being pumped. He went to the bathroom one last time to fill a cup with water and brought it back to the room. Sitting it on the table after he sat on the bed he wondered if he should leave a note. There was noone he wanted to say goodbye to. And he felt no need to explain. As far as he was concerned, his actions would tell the story. Pausing for a breif moment, for one fleeting second he thought of changing his mind. But before he could chicken out, he began popping the pills into his mouth.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Andrew was in pain. Not physically, but emotionally. He didn't know what to do. It had been 4 days and she hadn't been back. Since that night she went away, he hadnt done anything. He hadn't eaten, hadn't bathe or brushed his teeth. He was still in the same clothes from the night she left him. He hadn't been to work, hadn't left the house at all. Phone calls went unanswered. The number 5 blinked on his answering machine over and over. Sometimes he found himself starring at the number until it blurred over. He'd known she was angry, but to just disappear for four days and not return..he was beginning to think he'd finally lost her for good. Had she finally crossed over..seen that light, or was she hiding in some unseen darkness, seething in her anger. He just wanted a chance to explain, to reason with her. But how do you reason with a ghost? He began to think back 6 months ago, to the day she died. It was all his fault. They had just finished making love, when he decided to turn on the tv to watch the end of a game. She had asked him not to. Said she just wanted to cuddle with no distractions, but he wasn't hearing it. She jumped up, started screaming that he never spent any quality time with her. Told him he was selfish and unromantic. He ignored her and continued to watch the game. In a fit of rage she threw on her clothes and shoes,ran out,jumped into her car and took off. She had been driving when a drunk driver cam barreling down the road right at her. She had been driving too fast and couldn't stop, wasn't able to swerve fast enough. ..her car collided with the other. The doctors had said she had died from the impact of the crash. He blamed himself..still, he should have just held her, should have turned the stupid game off, should have apologized, should have ran after her, stopped her from leaving. He should've done so many things, but all he did was lay there. And now he may have lost her forever.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
When Andrew arrived back home, the house felt empty. He didnt feel her presence. Gone was the chill he felt when she was around. He laid across the bed for hours hoping she would come, until his eyes grew so heavy he could no longer force them open. He wasnt sure how long he was out, but he awoke immediately when he felt a sudden chill brush across his chest. A smile slowly crept across his lips, welcoming her arrival.
Imagine if you can a weight pushing down on your chest. Nothing painful or forcefully, but a gently push against it, as if someone was bracing themself up on you. Apparently, she was playing one of her games again. Sometimes she showed herself, tonight..she wouldn't let him see her, but he could feel her. He imagined her straddling his waist, her hands pressed down on his chest as if she was ready to take a ride. He could feel a brush across his cheek. He wondered and silently hoped that she had given him a kiss. Suddenly he felt a stinging clench on his chest and seconds later the card he had taken from his pocket and put on the table fell to the floor as if someone had knocked it off. Then he heard a scream. And just as quickly as it came, the chill was gone. The room back to the normal temperature. His heart ached. He sat up and picked the card up from the floor and ripped it to pieces. Why didn't he just throw it away? She'd be back. But not tonight. But when she returned, he'd be waiting.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Andrew looked across the room at the lost faces, feeling more helpless now than he did when he came in. He stood up and turned to leave, regretting he had ever come, when someone grabbed a hold of his arm. He turned around to see a brown skin girl with curly black hair and big brown eyes starring back at him.
"I could be your sponsor", she said to him as she handed him a card.
He looked at it for a moment. It had her name and number on it.
He didn't know what to say, so he just stared. He wondered why he hadn't seen her before now. Breaking his train of thought she said,
"I hope to see you at the next meeting. If you have any trouble before then, feel free to call me".
And just as quickly as she came, she left. Only the scent of her perfume left behind. He sort of felt guilty for even noticing, how pretty she was. He looked back once more at the faces in the circle and walked away. Not sure if he'd come back or not. He glanced at the card in his hand and back at the trash can outside the door, debating wether to toss it or keep it. He put it in his pocket, deciding to hold on to it for now. Once he was inside his jeep he felt a little less jumpy. Felt his heart beat began to slow. He sat there for a few minutes before cranking up the vehicle and driving off. He felt the excited me build as he neared home. Hoping for a visitor when he got there.
Friday, October 10, 2008
She's been gone now for 6 months. I miss her more and more each day. Some how it feels unfair that she's gone and Im still here. I miss her smile, I miss her laugh, I miss the feel of her body wrapped around me at night. I miss the way she'd steal the covers. I miss the smell of bacon on those rare mornings she felt like cooking. I even miss the fights we had every now and then. I miss the make up sex even more. Excuse my manners, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Andrew Vigerson.
He looked up at the faces that surrounded him in the small circle.
I still cant believe my cousin convinced me to join a support group. Im grieving just fine on my own. I think I'd better go back a little bit first. My family thinks I haven't properly grieved the loss of my girlfriend because...sometimes..I still see her. I still hear her, I even talk to her. You might say I'm having a relationship with my girlfriends ghost. I know this may sound crazy, whats even crazier is that Im sitting here telling this to a bunch of strangers. My family says I need to let her go. But I dont want to. The only reason I agreed to come here is because Im starting to feel like I do need help. I've started to miss work alot. I dont talk to my friends or family anymore. I just sit in my apartment, waiting..hoping for another encounter. I know that I cant go on like this. I dont know what to do or where to turn. How do you let go of the one thing that keeps you holding on?
Friday, August 15, 2008
Im tired. And I dont know what to do. I know what I want to do, but I know I shouldn't. I caught my best friend Mulanie screwing my boyfriend Blaine.
"How could you do this to me", I asked him.
"Tracey, it was an accident", he said.
"Oh..right...you fell and slipped inside her, is that what happened", she asked.
"Im serious..she came on to me. What was I suppose to do, she took all her clothes off and jumped on me", he said.
"So she raped you? Is that what your saying?"
"No! She didn't rape me, are you crazy?", he asked.
"No, your the crazy one. You cant even keep your lies straight".
"You know what Im sick and tired of you anyway. Thats why I did it, are you happy now?", he yelled.
I ran out of the house at that point and went home. Locked myself in my room and cried until I couldn't anymore. I was doing so much better until I ran into that jerk. I had stopped cutting. My arms and legs were healing. Now Im sitting here with a razor blade in my hand, trembling from the inside out. As she rolled up her sleeve and ran the blade across her skin a thought came to her. Why am I hurting myself when its him I should be hurting.
So later that night when she figured he'd be asleep, she went to his house, grabbed the spare key from underneath the welcome mat and snuck inside his house. Creeping up the stairs slowly so he wouldn't hear her coming. When she was finally in his room, she stood over his bed for a minute or two listening to his loud annoying snoring. Not wanting to waste too much time she climbed on top of him and laid on his chest. When he started to wake up she leaned over and kissed him on the lips, pulled a knife from her boot and slit his throat. Felt so much better than cutting herself.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Sitting on my bed, looking out my window. It looks like its gonna rain. I want to go out and soak in it so bad. But it would be a bad idea if I did. For most people getting rained on was nothing serious, but for me its different. The rain does something to me. Its something that Im not fully able to understand but what I do know is, the rain is not good for me. Not many people know about this problem I have but many people have to deal with the way it affects me. Altho the feel of the rain is so good, it changes me into someone, not so good. Its like im a totally different person. Thankfully, we dont get rain much around these parts but when it does rain, it pours. Sometimes Im only affected by the rain for a few hours, or the whole day at the most. But there have been times where its lasted for days. And the longer im under my rain cloud, the more trouble I seem to cause. Sometimes Im aware of whats going on, other times its like I blacked out and I dont remember anything. Those are the times I hate, and also the times it seems Ive caused the most damage. The one person who knows about my condition other than my brother and a close cousin, is my girlfriend Katelyn. She's usually the one who delivers the bad news when I wake up from one of my black outs. The last time I was told that I went on a rampage, vandelizing peoples cars. Throwing bricks thru windows. Im surprised I wasn't arrested. I dont even remember any of it. But the part that hurt me the most is that I tryed to strangle Kate. At first I thought maybe she was making it up, trying to scare me until I saw the marks around her neck. Everyone has been trying to get me to take this new medication thats suppose to help me but I dont want to. I tryed it once and I dont like the way it made me feel. It makes me feel numb, it depresses me. I want to feel alive. And the rain does that for me. But for now, I'll stay away from the rain. But for how long will I be able to resist it.
Monday, July 28, 2008
I never thought I would find myself in this situation. Not me, Natasha Mallory? Yeah right. I was branded a trouble maker before I even hit my teen years. With the kind of life I lived, I was destined for struggle. But she had met someone who had changed her life. He saw past the hard, tough exterior and into her heart. So she left that part of her life behind. She didn't think she'd ever have to think about her old life ever again. Until her past came back to bite her in the butt. No pun intended. On her wedding night. Her new husband Marcus was a Christian man. They had dated for a year and a half before they had gotten married. he believed in waiting until marriage before having sex. When he told her that, at first she thought it was a joke. But she quickly realized that he was serious. He had often tried to get her to talk about her life before they met, but she had always some how steered around the subject. Being the sweet, gentle and loving man that he was he didn't push or pressure her about it. That was one of the reasons why she fell so madly in love with him . He didn't push her or pressure or try to change her. He just accepted her for who she was. But she had always been afraid that if he knew about her past, who she used to be before him, that he wouldn't want her anymore. But on their wedding night when they were about to make love, he saw the branding on her right butt cheek.
"I didn't know you had a tattoo", he said.
Her heart pounded in her chest. Her first instinct was to lie. It would be easiest. She had spent most of her life lying. But she was different now. She loved this man and she didn't want to start off their marriage together with a bunch of lie. If..they even still had a marriage after she confessed. She turned over on her side, and grabbed his hand and held it tightly.
"Promise me you wont judge me for what Im about to tell you", she asked.
"Natasha,you know I'll never judge you..lots of people have tattoo's", he said.
"Its not a tattoo. I was branded.", she said.
"What?", he asked.
"I was branded with the name of the gang I used to be in when I was a kid", she said.
The fact that he hadn't let go of her hand gave her the strength and courage to continue telling her story.
"I grew up in a rough neighborhood. My mother was a crackhead. I had no sisters or brothers. I was always left home alone with no food to eat. So at the age of 8 I started to steal food from stores just to eat. I'd steal money out of the pockets of the guy my mother was currently screwing for drugs. She was always strung out and high. And when she couldn't get her fix she was a raving lunatic. So when the guys I stole from would come back to pound her in the face when they realized they'd been robbed, I didn't feel bad at all. At the age of 12 I left home and never went back. I was living on the streets for 2 weeks when a girl everybody called "Smithy" took an interested in me. Said she had been watching me the last few days and felt sorry for me. She was 15 at the time, offered to let me stay with her and her crew. But when I got there, I was told by Franko, that if I was gonna stay there I had to be a part of their family. And if I was gonna be family, I had to make it thru the Initiation. I was ganged banged by all the guys in the group. 8 to be exact, and then I was branded with their sign. Me and Smithy were the only girls in the crew. She kept telling me that she was so happy I was there because she wasn't the only girl anymore. We had to have sex with whatever guy wanted us on demand. In return, they gave us a place to stay, fed us, stole clothes and jewelry for us. Now that I think back on it, I guess we were their ho's. Anyway, I've watched people get beat down, shot, stabbed, raped, killed. But I've never physically hurt anyone..and I've never done drugs. Having to watch my mother day in and out, I promised myself I'd never even touch the stuff."
"But how did you get away from them. Did they just let you walk away", he asked
"No. They got caught trying to rob a bank exactly two weeks before Imet you. Me and Smithy had been saving money together on the low just in case of an emergency. The minute we found out they were all locked up, we started looking for an apartment together. We had enough cash to get us thru 3 months without a problem. It took me a week and a half to find a job. I finally lucked out and got hired at "The Candi Shop" where you met me at. Smithy had met some guy and took off with him, but she left me all the money. So, when you met me, I was just starting over. And you helped me to become a better person. I know I should have told you sooner, but I was afraid that you wouldn't want me anymore."
Marcus held her hands tighter and smiled at her.
"So you really thought I could be scared away that easily", he asked. "I love you for who you are now. I dont care about your past. Yes, Im sad that you had to go thru the things that you did. But I promise you, you wont ever have to live that kind of life again."
He kissed her then, passionately and slowly. And they made love for the very first time. And it was beautiful. She fell asleep in the arms of her husband that night, happy and peaceful, believing that sometimes, dreams really did come true.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Angelica had met Jessie one night when she stopped at a nearby convience store to get a bottle of Gin. She was bored, lonely and wanted to numb herself. He tryed to make small talk while standing in line but she wasn't in the friendly sort of mood. That didnt seem to bother him tho because he kept right on talking. She didn't say much, just nodded and smiled a little. She payed for her purchase and hurried out of the store, hoping to make it to her car before he came out behind her. But he was fast. Before she could turn the keys in the ignition he was tapping on her window. She sighed as she rolled down the window. He handed her a card with his name and number on it. "I think you forgot this", he said. "No, I didn't", she said. But she put it in her purse anyway. "Well, in case you ever need somebody to talk to..", he said. "Thanks, I gotta go", she said. "Wait!", he yelled right as she started to pull off. "You never told me your name". "Its Angelica". He smiled and said, "A pretty name for a pretty lady". She rolled her eyes and drove away. Later that night she had laid back on her bed polishing off the bottle she had bought earlier. She was drunk but still bored and lonely, so she decided to call Jessie. Til this day she couldn't remember the drunken conversation even if she tried. But she was sure she didn't tell Jessie that she was a married woman. She should have, but she didn't. Her husband, "Christopher" was hardly ever around. All he did was work. He cared more about money than he did her. She didn't even fully understand what it was that he did, but what she did know was that he made alot of money and he always used "work" as his excuse for being gone all the time. She was almost positive he was cheating on her, so she didn't feel bad about cheating on him. After two months of being with Jessie, she finally told him that she was married. She didn't tell him at first because she didn't think anything would happen between them, and if it did it wouldn't last long. But now that she was starting to care about him she knew she had to tell him. He took it better than she thought he would, altho he was mad, he didn't hate her. For awhile she had been thinking of taking half of Chris's money and leaving him. But then it had only been a fantasy until she met Jessie. She told him of her thoughts and he told her he thought she should go thru with it. Then they could go off somewhere and start a new life together. The idea sounded good in theory but wouldn't be so easy to pull off. Chris popped in and out whenever he felt like it so she didn't know exactly when she should plan it all. But one morning she woke up and she knew it was either now or never. She packed as much of her stuff into her two suit cases, loaded up the car and called Jessie from her cell phone letting him know she was on her way to pick him up. But Jessie didn't answer his phone. Still she went to his house, hoping he was home. She tried blowing the horn, when that didnt work she went up and knocked on the door. Still no answer. She had no time to wait, cuz Chris could show up anytime and she couldn't afford to let him see her. She made it to the bank and withdrawed half of the money in his account. Immediately afterward she drove to a hotel on the other side of town and checked in using cash. She continued to call Jessie until she finally got an answer. The sound of his voice made her stomach tighten. He started giving her excuses about how it was too soon, and he needed more time, she was moving to fast.
"So everything you told me, all the plans we discussed was all a lie right?", she screamed into the phone.
"No, I meant it at the time. But now..I dont think I can go thru with it", he said.
"I cant believe your chickening out on me!", she screamed.
"Calm, down...look, you dont have to do this now. We can still see eachother, and maybe sometime down the line we can.."
"Bull! I cant turn back now! Its too late!"
She hung up the phone. Trying to fight back the tears that were stinging her eyes. She grabbed her bags and checked out of the hotel. Loading the car up again, she was on her way. To where she didn't know. But there was no turning back now. She was going to start a new life. She didn't need a man. All they brought her was pain anyway. She could picture Chris now when he walked in and realized that she was gone for good. He'll probably tear up the house in a fit of rage. And once he realizedhis money was gone...well she didn't even want to think about that. She just hope she never laid eyes on him again. For the first time in years she was excited. Excited about all the possibilties of starting a new life.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
"Kaylie, you really need to quit girl".
"Belinda, get off my back will you. Im tired of you always throwing salt on my game. You need to stop sippin on that hater-aide and start participating, then maybe you'd get some play."
"You know what, I aint even worried about all that,"Belinda said. "I got more important things to worry about than what guy Im gonna let run up in me next."
"Yeah right, spoken like a true hater."
"Whatever", Belinda said. "You think your hot stuff now, just wait til you get burned."
Kaylie, threw her hand up, and walk away leaving Belinda there to watch her tracks make dust. She got so tired of these little girls hating cuz she was doing her grown woman. Guess when your life is boring you aint got nothing better to do than try to pull someone else down to your level. The reason why she never kept any female friends is because women were always jealous of her. When she was 16 years old in highschool, the guys nicknamed her "Hott Stuff". She liked it, lived it, loved it, and now..she planned to own it. She had a hot date tonight with this mocha-chocolate brother with some pretty baby soft hair and hazel eyes. Mmm, just thinking about that chocolate with nuts made her blood boil, her mouth water and her panties wet. She had just the cute and sexy outfit picked out too. A cute pink and black top with the plunging neck line and a tight black mini skirt, and a pink and black thong too match. She didn't need a bra, but she was definately going to wear her black high heel hooker shoes.
Dewayne showed up at her door at 7pm. They were suppose to be going out to dinner and drinks and then hit the clubs. But as soon as she opened the door he was on her. Part of her wanted to tell him to slow down but the other part of her was ready. Before she knew it they were on the floor and he was on top of her ripping off her clothes. They didn't even have time to use protection. 15 minutes later it was over. She laid there wondeing how she had let this happen to her again. She watched as he quickly threw on his clothes and mumbled some lame excuse about having to work early the next morning, and he was gone. What happened to romance and dating. She didn't even get her dinner and drinks. She would have been happy with a stupid movie. She felt hurt, dirty and used. But she wouldn't let that stop her grind. Tomorrow was another day.
The next morning she had met up with Belinda who had invited along her friend Chante'. They sat by a window in the corner of a small cafe eating breakfast when Chante' said,
"Girl, look who just pulled up across the street!"
"What? Aint that the guy you went out with awhile back?", Belinda asked.
"Yes it is! And it wasn't that long ago either, I wish I never even met Dewayne".
Kaylie looked up at the mention of the name and her eyes grew wide when she saw him all leaned back against his car, laughing it up with one of his home boys.
"Sho dont look like work to me", she mumbled to herself.
"What?", Belinda asked.
"Nothing. So, you know him?", she asked Chante'
"Yeah, I know him alright. Low down nasty dog game me an std".
All of a sudden she felt sick to her stomach. Maybe Belinda was right. You play with fire long enough, your bound to get burned.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
I'm in love with my boyfriend Anthony. He's so sexy and he has the prettiest eyes I've ever seen on a man. And you know what they say. The eyes are the window to the soul. I thought we were Soul Mates. We were almost always together and when we weren't, we were on the phone yapping it up. I truly thought I had found "The One". He said all the right things. We had so much in common. I thought we'd always be together. Until I found out that he was just like all the other men I'd come across. A fake! A user and an abuser. A liar, wanna be player. Little did he know. He'd met his match. Now dont get me wrong, I didn't see it coming. Hit me head on like a Mac truck. Im not like alot of women. I never snooped thru his phone, or checked his pockets. Never followed him or eaves dropped on his phone calls. Never accuse or suspected him of anything. Not because he was good at hiding it, but because not only did he have my love, he had my trust. I find myself thinking back on our relationship, wondering if there were signs that I should have seen but missed. But I always come up with nothing. So I was living my life, thinking that the man I loved, was loving me the same way I loved him. Oh yes, he had me fooled. Until I decided one morning to give my sister a surprise visit. I was suppose to be at work that day, but I over slept and decided to call in. Thinking my man was at work, spending a little time with my sister seemed to be a good idea.
Arriving at her door that morning, I knocked for a few minutes but got no answer. I dont know why, but I decided to turn the knob and the door opened. Dummies were so in a rush to bang eachother I guess they forgot to lock the door. Closing the door behind me I could hear the steading rhythm of the headboard banging against the wall, along with loud intense moaning. Even at that moment, I didn't know what I was about to walk into. My first thoughts was that my sister was screwing some random guy she had met at the club. Cuz well, she does things like that. I started to just sit on the sofa and wait til they were finished, but something inside me kept urging me to go look. So I slowly walked up the stair, turning the corner and walking downthe hall to my sisters room. The door was wide open. My mouth hung wide open at the site of my sister riding my boyfriend. I stood and watched for a minute as she held onto his chest and rode him hard. I must have unconsciously made a noise, because they both turned to look at me at the same time. At that moment I bolted. I ran out of the room down the hall and down the stair, flung the door open and left it that way as I headed to my car. I could see them both running down the stairs as I started up my car and pulled off. That was 5 hours ago. Im sitting at the bus stop because I wrecked my car. Anthony and my sister had jumped in the car and drove after me. But I wasn't about to let them catch me. I put the pedal to the metal, going as fast as I could. I was doing a good job at loosing them until I veered off the road and some how ended up on some train tracks. I heard a train approaching in the distance so I tryed to hurry across, but one of my tired got stuck. Knowing I didn't have much time, I opened the door and jumped out of the car and ran over to the side. Just then Anthony and my sister drove up on the other side, seeing my car on the tracks they must have thought I was still inside. I watched as they leaped out of Anthony's car to run toward my car stuck on the tracks. I was about to yell for them, but something inside me kept me from doing it. Once they realized I wasn't inside the car, it was too late. The train was on them. The sound of the impact was so loud, I went deaf for a moment. Im not sure how far I walked or how long I've been sitting at this bus stop. Its all a daze now. Believe it or not, I still love Anthony. I dont feel angry anymore, and I dont feel sad. I believe everything happens for a reason. And I believe in pay back.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
My name is Rebecca, and I hate my life. I hear noises. At night, in the morning, during the day. Its beginning to drive me crazy. At first I thought it was the house, the one I grew up in. I lived with my Aunt Meranda since I was 8. With her and her boyfriend Andy. Im 19 now. An adult. So I decided to move in with my boyfriend Ted. I call him my Teddy Bear. I thought that moving in with him would stop the noises, but it didn't. Whatever it was, followed me here. Noone believes me, they all think Im crazy. Even Teddy Bear, altho he pretends to, I know he doesn't believe. I can see it in his eyes, it scares him. It all started when I was 10. I'd hear noises at night. Not normal noises. Hissing, growling, moaning, clawing, foot steps, glass breaking, banging on the walls. I'd tell Meranda and Andy but they'd just tell me I was hearing things. For my 11th birthday, they bought me a portable cd player so I could drown out the noises and fall asleep, and a night light so it wouldn't be completely dark. It helped at first, but then I started to hear things during the day. Voices. Most of the time, it was so faint, I learned to ignore it, but as I got older, the voices became clearer, darker, more persistant. In 8 years it gradually moved from whispering here and there, to murmuring, a word hear and there, to talking, conversations, to shouting, screaming, and now..the voices are talking to me, telling me things, sick dark things and I cant take it anymore. I've tryed to talk to people about it, but it does no good. I've become a burden for Teddy. He looks at me with this pitiful look in his eyes. Like he wants to save me but he doesn't know how. So I decided to do what the last voice I heard told me. "End it all". So here I sit in front of my video camera, telling my story, for anyone who might wonder, what happened to me. Why Im about to do, what Im about to do. To my sweet Teddy bear, Im so sorry, about all the pain I caused you. I just want you to know that its not your fault. There was nothing you could have done. I truly feel that this is the right thing to do. I know you will hurt at first. But eventually, you'll move on, you'll meet someone else, you'll love again. I know that by me being here, Im only holding you back. You'd never willingly let me go, so I had to do this for us. Please tell everyone, that Im sorry and that I love them, or you can just show them this video. Please dont feel sorry for me, as you've probably notice, Im smiling. Im at peace. The pain is about to end.
She didn't stop the video. She wanted everyone to see her, in her last moments. What the voices had driven her to. She wanted everyone to know that despite what people believed, this was real. This was her reality. She emptied her bottle of anxiety meds in the palm of her hand and swallowed them all with the help of the luke warm water that sat on the bed side table. Next she emptied her depression meds into her palm and swallowed them all. Lastly, she emptied her bottle of pain meds into her hand. Her Doctor had given them to her for her migraines and frequent chest pains. She dropped the last bottle on the floor and laid down and closed her eyes. Waiting for her life to end.
Ted arrived home a half hour later. He had left to go buy some ciggerettes. He had asked Rebecca to come along, but she complained that her head was hurting and she just wanted to sleep. So when he walked into the room and saw her laying there, he thought nothing of it, until he saw the empty pill bottles. He immediately check her pulse. Tryed CPR when he couldn't find one. He dialed 911, screaming into the phone that his girlfriend had taken 3 bottle of pills and wasnt breathing. He told her that he tryed CPR but she wasnt responding. Holding her hand he realized Rebecca's hand was freezing cold. He dropped the phone, knowing it was too late. he stood there in a daze, for how long he'll never know. He noticed the video camera was on. He stopped it and rewind to the beginning of the tape. He sat on the end of the bed listening to his girls last words. Tears flooded his eyes as he watched Rebecca eyes light up as she talked of ending it all. He could hear the loud siren of the ambulance in the background now. Coming to take her away.