Friday, August 15, 2008

Doesnt Hurt Enough

Im tired. And I dont know what to do. I know what I want to do, but I know I shouldn't. I caught my best friend Mulanie screwing my boyfriend Blaine.

"How could you do this to me", I asked him.

"Tracey, it was an accident", he said.

" fell and slipped inside her, is that what happened", she asked.

"Im serious..she came on to me. What was I suppose to do, she took all her clothes off and jumped on me", he said.

"So she raped you? Is that what your saying?"

"No! She didn't rape me, are you crazy?", he asked.

"No, your the crazy one. You cant even keep your lies straight".

"You know what Im sick and tired of you anyway. Thats why I did it, are you happy now?", he yelled.

I ran out of the house at that point and went home. Locked myself in my room and cried until I couldn't anymore. I was doing so much better until I ran into that jerk. I had stopped cutting. My arms and legs were healing. Now Im sitting here with a razor blade in my hand, trembling from the inside out. As she rolled up her sleeve and ran the blade across her skin a thought came to her. Why am I hurting myself when its him I should be hurting.

So later that night when she figured he'd be asleep, she went to his house, grabbed the spare key from underneath the welcome mat and snuck inside his house. Creeping up the stairs slowly so he wouldn't hear her coming. When she was finally in his room, she stood over his bed for a minute or two listening to his loud annoying snoring. Not wanting to waste too much time she climbed on top of him and laid on his chest. When he started to wake up she leaned over and kissed him on the lips, pulled a knife from her boot and slit his throat. Felt so much better than cutting herself.

Sunday, August 10, 2008


Sitting on my bed, looking out my window. It looks like its gonna rain. I want to go out and soak in it so bad. But it would be a bad idea if I did. For most people getting rained on was nothing serious, but for me its different. The rain does something to me. Its something that Im not fully able to understand but what I do know is, the rain is not good for me. Not many people know about this problem I have but many people have to deal with the way it affects me. Altho the feel of the rain is so good, it changes me into someone, not so good. Its like im a totally different person. Thankfully, we dont get rain much around these parts but when it does rain, it pours. Sometimes Im only affected by the rain for a few hours, or the whole day at the most. But there have been times where its lasted for days. And the longer im under my rain cloud, the more trouble I seem to cause. Sometimes Im aware of whats going on, other times its like I blacked out and I dont remember anything. Those are the times I hate, and also the times it seems Ive caused the most damage. The one person who knows about my condition other than my brother and a close cousin, is my girlfriend Katelyn. She's usually the one who delivers the bad news when I wake up from one of my black outs. The last time I was told that I went on a rampage, vandelizing peoples cars. Throwing bricks thru windows. Im surprised I wasn't arrested. I dont even remember any of it. But the part that hurt me the most is that I tryed to strangle Kate. At first I thought maybe she was making it up, trying to scare me until I saw the marks around her neck. Everyone has been trying to get me to take this new medication thats suppose to help me but I dont want to. I tryed it once and I dont like the way it made me feel. It makes me feel numb, it depresses me. I want to feel alive. And the rain does that for me. But for now, I'll stay away from the rain. But for how long will I be able to resist it.