Saturday, October 25, 2008
Tired of waiting for her to return, tired of living without her. He contemplated suicide. Shooting himself was out. He was just too chicken. Besides where could he get a gun so quick on short notice. Hanging himself...no, that wouldn't work either. Slicing his wrist...anything thing too painful or slow was out. The only thing he could think of was an overdose of pills. He searched his medicine cabinet for whatever he could find. Advil, Tylenol...he needed something strong. Sleeping pills...pain pills...In the very back he found some anxiety meds Tracy had been taking. He pulled it all out and carried as many bottles as he could in his arms back to his room. In the end he had 8 bottles. Not sure how many would do the trick, he decided to take them all. He couldn't afford to make a mistake. Didn't want to find himself waking up in a hospital with his stomach being pumped. He went to the bathroom one last time to fill a cup with water and brought it back to the room. Sitting it on the table after he sat on the bed he wondered if he should leave a note. There was noone he wanted to say goodbye to. And he felt no need to explain. As far as he was concerned, his actions would tell the story. Pausing for a breif moment, for one fleeting second he thought of changing his mind. But before he could chicken out, he began popping the pills into his mouth.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Andrew was in pain. Not physically, but emotionally. He didn't know what to do. It had been 4 days and she hadn't been back. Since that night she went away, he hadnt done anything. He hadn't eaten, hadn't bathe or brushed his teeth. He was still in the same clothes from the night she left him. He hadn't been to work, hadn't left the house at all. Phone calls went unanswered. The number 5 blinked on his answering machine over and over. Sometimes he found himself starring at the number until it blurred over. He'd known she was angry, but to just disappear for four days and not return..he was beginning to think he'd finally lost her for good. Had she finally crossed over..seen that light, or was she hiding in some unseen darkness, seething in her anger. He just wanted a chance to explain, to reason with her. But how do you reason with a ghost? He began to think back 6 months ago, to the day she died. It was all his fault. They had just finished making love, when he decided to turn on the tv to watch the end of a game. She had asked him not to. Said she just wanted to cuddle with no distractions, but he wasn't hearing it. She jumped up, started screaming that he never spent any quality time with her. Told him he was selfish and unromantic. He ignored her and continued to watch the game. In a fit of rage she threw on her clothes and shoes,ran out,jumped into her car and took off. She had been driving when a drunk driver cam barreling down the road right at her. She had been driving too fast and couldn't stop, wasn't able to swerve fast enough. ..her car collided with the other. The doctors had said she had died from the impact of the crash. He blamed himself..still, he should have just held her, should have turned the stupid game off, should have apologized, should have ran after her, stopped her from leaving. He should've done so many things, but all he did was lay there. And now he may have lost her forever.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
When Andrew arrived back home, the house felt empty. He didnt feel her presence. Gone was the chill he felt when she was around. He laid across the bed for hours hoping she would come, until his eyes grew so heavy he could no longer force them open. He wasnt sure how long he was out, but he awoke immediately when he felt a sudden chill brush across his chest. A smile slowly crept across his lips, welcoming her arrival.
Imagine if you can a weight pushing down on your chest. Nothing painful or forcefully, but a gently push against it, as if someone was bracing themself up on you. Apparently, she was playing one of her games again. Sometimes she showed herself, tonight..she wouldn't let him see her, but he could feel her. He imagined her straddling his waist, her hands pressed down on his chest as if she was ready to take a ride. He could feel a brush across his cheek. He wondered and silently hoped that she had given him a kiss. Suddenly he felt a stinging clench on his chest and seconds later the card he had taken from his pocket and put on the table fell to the floor as if someone had knocked it off. Then he heard a scream. And just as quickly as it came, the chill was gone. The room back to the normal temperature. His heart ached. He sat up and picked the card up from the floor and ripped it to pieces. Why didn't he just throw it away? She'd be back. But not tonight. But when she returned, he'd be waiting.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Andrew looked across the room at the lost faces, feeling more helpless now than he did when he came in. He stood up and turned to leave, regretting he had ever come, when someone grabbed a hold of his arm. He turned around to see a brown skin girl with curly black hair and big brown eyes starring back at him.
"I could be your sponsor", she said to him as she handed him a card.
He looked at it for a moment. It had her name and number on it.
He didn't know what to say, so he just stared. He wondered why he hadn't seen her before now. Breaking his train of thought she said,
"I hope to see you at the next meeting. If you have any trouble before then, feel free to call me".
And just as quickly as she came, she left. Only the scent of her perfume left behind. He sort of felt guilty for even noticing, how pretty she was. He looked back once more at the faces in the circle and walked away. Not sure if he'd come back or not. He glanced at the card in his hand and back at the trash can outside the door, debating wether to toss it or keep it. He put it in his pocket, deciding to hold on to it for now. Once he was inside his jeep he felt a little less jumpy. Felt his heart beat began to slow. He sat there for a few minutes before cranking up the vehicle and driving off. He felt the excited me build as he neared home. Hoping for a visitor when he got there.
Friday, October 10, 2008
She's been gone now for 6 months. I miss her more and more each day. Some how it feels unfair that she's gone and Im still here. I miss her smile, I miss her laugh, I miss the feel of her body wrapped around me at night. I miss the way she'd steal the covers. I miss the smell of bacon on those rare mornings she felt like cooking. I even miss the fights we had every now and then. I miss the make up sex even more. Excuse my manners, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Andrew Vigerson.
He looked up at the faces that surrounded him in the small circle.
I still cant believe my cousin convinced me to join a support group. Im grieving just fine on my own. I think I'd better go back a little bit first. My family thinks I haven't properly grieved the loss of my girlfriend because...sometimes..I still see her. I still hear her, I even talk to her. You might say I'm having a relationship with my girlfriends ghost. I know this may sound crazy, whats even crazier is that Im sitting here telling this to a bunch of strangers. My family says I need to let her go. But I dont want to. The only reason I agreed to come here is because Im starting to feel like I do need help. I've started to miss work alot. I dont talk to my friends or family anymore. I just sit in my apartment, waiting..hoping for another encounter. I know that I cant go on like this. I dont know what to do or where to turn. How do you let go of the one thing that keeps you holding on?